A Malapropism Walks Into a Bar...

This little gem is making the rounds on the interwebs:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

I laughed out loud when I got to the synonym. So great.

Saturday 9: On and On (1977)
Unfamiliar with this week's song. Hear it here.

1) This song describes the plight of "poor ol' Jimmy," who caught his girlfriend kissing someone else. Have you ever spied on a romantic partner?

Nope.

2) In this song, Stephen Bishop sings that he "smiles when he feels like dying." When did you recently put on a happy face, even though you really weren't all that happy? 

I have a balance disorder since taking Levaquin for bronchitis about 15 years ago. Whenever I'm feeling dizzy, I'm almost always covering it as best I can.

3) Stephen Bishop always wanted to be a musician, and as a child he began playing the clarinet. Did you take lessons -- dance, art, music -- as a child? If yes, did you take them because you enjoyed them, or because your parents made you take them?

I took dance and piano. Loved dance, suffered through piano. Sorry, Mom!

4) When he was 12, inspired by The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show, he switched to the guitar and began writing songs. Tell us about someone or something that influenced your career path.

My high school physics teacher (and JETS sponsor) helped me choose an college major that combined my medical interests with my engineering and technology pursuits. Although I didn't work in that field, I still ended up with a career that combines healthcare and technology.

5) Stephen Bishop attended Will C. Crawford High School in San Diego. This school requires students complete 20 hours of community service every year. Tell us about an organization, cause or campaign you volunteered for, either as a student or an adult.

Laura and I volunteered at Dennis Quaid's Charity Golf Classic at the Avery Ranch Golf Club in 2003, benefiting Austin area children's charities. It was superfun! Lauren met one of her idols at the time- Jake Thomas from Lizzie McGuire. (Her other crush at the time was Ryan Pinkston, the foul-mouthed kid on Punk'd. Incidentally, Ryan is now playing Jack's married boyfriend, Officer Drew, on Will & Grace... Yes, that was quite a tangent, but wasn't it interesting?... )

6) In 1977, when this song was popular, Seattle Slew won racing's Triple Crown. Sam's mother has always been afraid of horses. Is there an animal you're uncomfortable with?

Large dogs have to win me over. I'm usually very uncomfortable around them.

7) Also in 1977, moviegoers waited in line for hours to see Star Wars. What's the longest line you waited in recently?

Probably Chipotle. That place is always packed.

8) The mini-series Roots first aired in 1977. Today Americans are spending more time and money than ever to research ancestry. How far back can you trace your family tree? 

I currently have one line traced back to Lord Hansculf De Englefield, from England, born in 1056.

9) Random question: It's often said that nobody's perfect. How about you? What quality keeps you from being perfect?

my cooking